Connection: The 6th Secret to Fearless Speaking

Most people experience a connection when they are speaking one-to-one with another person. It is when they speak in front of a group that many people begin to feel afraid and lose the connection to themselves and to their listeners.

"The secret to speaking without fear when you are talking to a group is to connect with one person at a time and simply speak conversationally.

Connection with yourself

As long as I take a breath in and let it out, I am connected to myself. I can feel my body, the air in my chest as I inhale and the release of tension as I exhale. I can sense my skin as the sensitive receiver of the world around me--the coolness of the night, the warmth of a bath, the hands of love.

When I have an unpleasant sensation in my body, my instinct is to disconnect. Feeling judged and criticized make me want to move away both from the person and the experience. Nobody likes to experience terror as it races through the veins. As fright beats against the heart and tightens the throat, it is often too difficult to tolerate the fear.

I must remember, however, that even under the stress of anxiety I am still connected to myself. What does this mean? Always and absolutely I am a living, breathing Being. Within me is a depth of presence and ongoing strength that exists regardless of the circumstances.

"Beneath the turbulence that unbalances me is the stillness that keeps me steady. I am here now connected to myself even in the midst of fear."

Connection with One Other Person

Just as I am connected to myself, in a deep and abiding way, I am connected to that same quality in others. When I am speaking to another person, I interact in a socially appropriate manner, but I also recognize that there is a place within each one that pulses with the essential and vibrant life force. This is their Being.

"When I relate Being to Being, my words are both connected to me and to the person I am with. And in this way I am less reactive, less afraid. I realize we are of the same essence."

It is the personality, not the Being, that judges and carries expectations. So if I sense that the other is behaving in a way that scares me or puts me off, I can look more deeply and find where we are already connected. I can speak essence to essence which means I can be more open, honest, and compassionate.

Connection with a group

When I am surrounded by a group listening to me speak, I can look for one person and affirm that ever-present essential connection I know that exists. If I have practiced this every time I am with one other person, then when I am in front of an audience, I only have to focus on a single individual. I speak with one Being at a time. I already know how to do that.

"The more I am able to engage with one person, the more I can touch others in the group at the same time."

I don't need to worry about whether I am paying attention to everyone because I know that with just one powerful connection, energy will radiate outward. If what I say reaches and is received by one person, then there is a vibration that is created. Others will feel this connection because it is genuine.

The secret is practicing relating to one person, no matter the size of the group. Trust that there will be someone in the audience who will be open to you. If there seems to be no one, you must quickly remind yourself that we are all connected, see everyone in their pure essence form, and speak. This is Essential Speaking.



Dr. Doreen's FEARLESS SPEAKING TIP: When you imagine your audience, see them as pure Beings, which they are. A personality may frighten you, but it is the essence that you want to speak to. The connection already exists, whether you think of it as human to human, or essence to essence. When you speak, be with only one person at a time. Move on to someone else and continue the conversation with that person.



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Being Positive: The 5th Secret to Fearless Speaking

What makes a positive attitude so attractive?

Someone who has a positive attitude is like a ray of warm sunshine that brings me happiness. When that person smiles in a genuine way I can feel the warmth radiating from every cell in their body. He or she lights up the moment for me. Isn't this true for you? Just think about your circle of friends. Identify the friend who has the most positive energy. How do you feel when you are around this person?

How does being positive reduce your fear of speaking?

If you can focus on trying to be positive, you will be distracting yourself away from your fear. Both states (being positive and being afraid) have a hard time co-existing. It is also true that both will grow in strength, depending on where you put your attention.

There is a quote that says "energy flows where attention goes." Every time you have a negative thought about how you will falter or fail, you diminish yourself and reduce your energy. On the other hand, by making a habit of thinking the best about yourself and/or a situation, you will be uplifted and more motivated to step toward what may seem like a the risk.

"So, the next time you are asked to speak, if you can affirm yourself for having the courage to step up instead of imaging the worst that could happen, you will be increasing your confidence and decreasing your fear."

Your positive presence touches people even more than your words

If the positive center of you is filled with a friendly radiance, then you become magnetic. People are drawn to good energy. They open up to receive what you have to offer. Whatever it is you say, remember that it will be carried by the ever-present powerful waves of goodness which is you. And people will be ready to hear your words because you have paved the way with your presence.


Dr. Doreen's FEARLESS SPEAKING TIP: Next time you have to speak in front of others, and you feel a familiar pang of fear, then start right away re-directing your thoughts to the positives. Make two lists. On the first one, tell yourself the positive qualities that you know to be true about yourself. Affirm them. Reinforce them, again and again. On the second list, note the positive outcomes that will result for those who will be listening to you. Will they receive information, inspiration, or both?



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Deep Listening: The 4th Secret to Fearless Speaking

My work as a psychologist is all about listening.

"The listening I offer is deep, arises from my heart, is full of curiosity, and does not judge. This pure quality of listening allows people to feel safe and gives them the courage to speak without fear."

What I've noticed is that most people don't carry within themselves such a kind and compassionate listener. They walk around and imagine others are listening to them in the same way as they are listening to themselves--with a harsh and critical ear. Therefore, speaking in front of others or even thinking about it can frighten them.

The fear that you have about speaking is partly created by how you listen to yourself.

The negative messages you send to yourself, and those you listen to inside of your own head are the source of your discomfort. If you hear a voice within saying that you are "going to stumble over your words," "forget your points," and "lose track of where you are," then anxiety rears up. Even more threatening is when you hear yourself say, you are "going to fail," "lose your job," or "make a fool of yourself."

What you hear yourself say is what you hear others saying to you or about you.

If you can face your fear of speaking, you might see that what you think others may be saying about you is very similar to what you have been saying to yourself. This internal voice that judges you is severe and relentless. However, it is when you attribute these same thoughts to your listeners that you become overwhelmed with fright. All you can hear is the thunderous pounding of the doubting judges, only now they have surrounded you.

Learn to listen to the voice that supports you.

When you can listen to yourself and hear the words that come from your heart rather than those that dart out from your critic, you will experience more self-compassion and acceptance. Know that within you, there is the ability to fully embrace your essence. Being who you are is magnificent and no one can rob you of this truth. You are enough...always...no matter what you say or how you say it.


Dr. Doreen's FEARLESS SPEAKING TIP: Stop what are doing and take a moment to reflect on what makes you afraid when you think about speaking in front of others. Ask yourself what you think the listeners might say about you. Make a list. Now ask yourself if there is a judgmental part of you that is saying the same thing. Check your first list to see if the thoughts are similar. Listen now to the voice that accepts you as you are, unconditionally. What are the words that are there? Note these words. Keep coming back to listening for the support.


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Awareness: The 3rd Secret to Fearless Speaking

I used to be very uncomfortable with eye-to-eye contact. It was awkward and made me feel uneasy, especially if I didn't know the person. So speaking in front of a group was even more challenging since there were so many eyes staring back at me. Standing and looking out at a sea of eyes was as terrifying as looking out at a sea full of sharks.

Why people are afraid to look at each other

Many people find that they avoid looking at each other directly in the eye. Reasons for this reluctance vary, but following is a list of some of the common influences that can affect our learned behavior.

Cultural Conditioning - in most cultures looking people in the eye is rude, and in some cases it is absolutely taboo. It can signify disrespect, dominance, and a dare.

Social Norms - our social training says that we should avoid eye contact unless we are familiar or intimate with a person. Flirting is often conveyed with a coy look in the eye. But people can feel violated and intruded upon if someone is too seductive.

Family Messages - we all have come across the saying that "children should be seen and not heard," and this is a message many people have taken with them into adulthood. Parents also exert control over children with just one stern look, and they can communicate disapproval or expectation with not much more than a glance.

Personality - people are born with a personality all of their own and perhaps even at a young age a child is more prone to shyness. A more reclusive personality or an introvert is certainly not often at ease with engaging eye to eye.

Trauma - at any age people can be wounded by a traumatic event. From physical abuse to insensitive name-calling, wounds can run deep and cripple people in their ability to interact with others.


Letting go of the fear of being seen

When we are connected to our true self, we are no longer afraid to be seen. We are centered in our essence where our nature is as beautiful as the deep green forest, as clear as the crystal waters of a mountain stream, as expansive as the blue oceans, and as infinite as the heavens above us. Remember that this and more is your basic composition.


Letting go of the fear of looking at others

When we are connected to our true self, we are no longer afraid to look at others. We know that at everyone's core is goodness and light. If we can but see who they truly are, then there would be nothing to fear. Others are but mere reflections of us. If we are spectacular in our nature, and if we are all one, then we will see the beauty and connection in all of our communications.


Being open and unafraid are the secrets of a good speaker. Remember to

• Look your listener in the eye when you speak
• Let your listener look you in the eye when you speak

Dr. Doreen's FEARLESS SPEAKING TIP: First think back about the messages you were given about making eye contact. Ask yourself, what did you learn from your parents? Were there explicit cultural rules that applied to you? How has society shaped your attitudes about looking at others or letting others look at you? Now think of yourself as magnificent and beaming with light from within. Imagine that this is what people see when they look at you. Now see that same magnificence and light beaming out from the eyes of your listeners. There is nothing to fear.


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Presence: The 2nd Secret to Fearless Speaking

To Be Present is to be Free of Fear

To be fully present, in the center of the now, is to be free of fear. It is when you think back to an unpleasant memory or when you look ahead at the possibility of being judged by others that the waves of fear begin to move through your body and start to crash upon the shores of your sense of self-confidence. You leave the present moment and enter a moment that belongs to the past or you travel ahead which is a moment that lives in the future.

Past Negative Traumas

The thought of a group of people looking at you, waiting for you to speak can carry all the trauma of a negative experience that actually did occur at some time in your life. Maybe it was in elementary school when your teacher made you stand in front of the class to present a book report and you forgot your words. When you went blank, blushing with shame, the other kids started to laugh at you. Or maybe it was when you were sitting around the dinner table, night after night, with siblings who were more verbal and outgoing or who could command attention in a way that you could not.

Projecting the Past Into the Future

If there was a real event in the past that caused you to feel the pain of embarrassment or the shame of humiliation, you are likely to project that scenario into the future to all similar or related events. Your fear is based on the thought that you will be repeating the same experience. You see yourself going through it again and you see yourself flooded with the same kind of excruciating emotions. That future moment is based on a past moment. Neither exist in the present moment.

To be present then, in the here and now, is the key to speaking without fear.

• The commitment you make to staying present allows you to keep returning to the moment.
• Your anxiety is the signal that you have returned to the past or you have taken yourself to the future.
  
• Come back to the now.
• Feel the fullness of being present in your body, breathing the air that surrounds you, standing on the ground that is beneath you, relating to the listeners who join you in the now.

Your voice will then arise from a place that is centered in you. You will speak without fear.


Dr. Doreen's FEARLESS SPEAKING TIP: To trace the origins of your fear, sit quietly and imagine yourself standing in front of a group. Let yourself reflect and allow images to come without censoring them. If a picture arises from the past, then note everything that happened. If a picture arises from the future, also note everything that might happen. Ask yourself, "how are these images related?" Now see yourself focused only on the present moment. Let thoughts of the past or the future drift away. Don't attach to them. Your work is to empty the thoughts and arrive in the present where you can then be here now and you can be heard now. Breathe in, Breathe out.

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Silence: The 1st Secret to Fearless Speaking

"A silent mind is far more precise, accurate, and powerful than anything that is contained in the boundaries of rational thought." Deepak Chopra

Be Silent

When people come to my programs on overcoming the fear of speaking, they are always surprised to see that I begin my 7 steps to Fearless Speaking with "Be Silent." Immediately they know they are not in a conventional course like other classes that often stress how to craft and organize a speech or how to make dramatic gestures. I see on the faces of the students that they are wondering what in the world silence has to do with speaking?

Be Still

To be still while all eyes are focused on you seems to be in opposition to what you think you should be doing in that moment as you stand in front of others. You are the speaker and the pressure is on you to speak. You must find the words, fill up the space, and not leave any dead air.

"What I am talking about is learning how to tap into the silent still point within, that emptiness where there are no words, the quiet at the center of now."

Musicians call it the space between the notes. Writers call the blank page a container for their thoughts. And speakers who are comfortable with silence say that this deep clear state is the very foundation of their words.

Fear Dissolves Naturally

Imagine if you were absolutely comfortable being silent and did not rush to your words. There would then be no fear of going blank, no fear of losing your way, no fear of looking stupid. In other words, no self-consciousness. Your ability to be silent could be a powerful stance, a strength that people might admire.

"Your confidence would soar if your fears related to standing speechless in front of others did not exist."

Dr. Doreen's FEARLESS SPEAKING TIP: Instead of rehearsing every word of a talk you will be giving, stand in front of a mirror and go blank. Release of all of your words and just be still. Don't reach into your memory bank for what you have to say. Let it all go. Don't reach into the future. Let it all go. Stay quiet with yourself, move through your anxiety if it is there, and breathe. Then listen into the silence and notice what, if any, words arise on their own.

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7 Steps to Fearless Speaking

When the title of my San Francisco Learning Annex class, “How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking,” was changed by the marketing director to “The 7 Steps to Fearless Speaking,” I found myself forced to restructure the program to match it’s new title. My approach had always been to help participants move through fear and transform it rather than learn techniques that mask anxiety, but my challenge was to make it a step by step process.

I began to see that the process of overcoming fear was a journey of self-discovery and I could guide people, one step at a time, to that place inside, at the core, which was authentic. I designed my new format, and it is now the basis of my book, Essential Speaking: the 7-Step Guide to Finding Your Real Voice.

"When you speak from your center, you will have the deep confidence to live more fully in all areas of life."

7 Steps to Fearless Speaking

1. BE SILENT – always start from a place of silence. Quiet yourself. Being comfortable without any words is powerful.

2. BE PRESENT – Focus on the current moment. Let go of concerns about what has happened before or what might happen in the future.

3. BE AWARE – Use your eyes to take in the people you are with. Don’t avoid looking directly at them. Gaze softly and let them see you.

4. BE ATTUNED – Listen to those who are listening to you. Listen to yourself before, during, and after the words are spoken.

5. BE POSITIVE – Look for the best in others. See the good that is within and don’t get stuck on what they might be thinking.

6. BE CONNECTED – Be with one person at a time and be conversational. Speaking to a group at large dissipates your energy.

7. BE YOURSELF – The most powerful gift is you. Tap into who you are to allow your authentic voice to come forth.

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